i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
she pinky promised me she was 18
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Randomize
