I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Randomize
