Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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