we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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