Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
