Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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