my phone needs a breathalizer
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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