If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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