Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
