So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
