Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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