I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I got inside last night via doggy door
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
