I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
