Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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