you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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