Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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