Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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