Acid is not a monday night drug
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
