So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
