i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
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