I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
