what day is it and did you see me today?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
