I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Randomize
