There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
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