i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
