Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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