Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
