Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
