So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
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