I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
