And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
