You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
