I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Please don't give away my fajitas
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
