woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
