He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
