I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
