I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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