how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
