so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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