She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
