did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
