I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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