I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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