As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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