I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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