nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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