I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
