I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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