I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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