No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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