I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
