I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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