Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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